So what is betrothal?

Today is the day of the grand celebration of the betrothal of Jonathan Field & Katie Gunn!

Understandably, more and more people are asking me "So what exactly is betrothal?"

My previous attempt to help the serious students answer the question for themselves, failed miserably. One eager student (you know who you are - and I love you all the same :o) ) obviously jumped on Google and looked up other people's definitions of betrothal - which is fascinating stuff - but which completely missed the point that the Bible itself sufficiently defines betrothal.

There is no need to learn about Jewish culture in bygone millenia.

There is no need to worry about cups of wine or grape juice.

There is no need to resort to Google, nor to an encyclopedia - although of course you can find out interesting ancillary information on the topic that way.

But my biggest concern is that if you turn to the ancillary information, you might miss the heart of it - the essential ingredients defined clearly in the Bible, and which are all you need to know.

Katie & I are betrothed. I didn't follow any of the old Jewish customs. There was no cup of wine. Go ahead and do it that way if you want, but understand that Scriptural Betrothal is far simpler than it can seem if you start considering the myriad cultural elements. Much like a wedding. A wedding before God really is a simple thing. The white dress, the bridal party, the flowers - all are fabulous things - and I recommend you have them - but they really don't matter. The essential ingredients of a marriage are few and simple. Likewise with betrothal. And Katie & I had a very simple betrothal.

So what are the essential defining characteristics of betrothal?

Well - time is very short.

So forgive me for making an ultra uber summary.

You really were supposed to look up those verses I gave in the last blog post and ask intelligent questions and figure it out for yourself.

e.g. why on earth does Gabriel when speaking to Joseph, refer to Mary as Joseph's wife, before they were married?

But, back to the rushed summary. Oh - and I expect you to be shocked and horrified by this summary. If you'd gone to the Scriptures and figured it out yourself, you could have directed your shock and horror some other direction. But since I don't have time to graciously reveal the extensive topic to you, and since I want to answer the question, I'm left with having to risk reprisals. Se la vive.

Essential characteristic #1 : Betrothal is AS BINDING AS MARRIAGE. Joseph would have required a divorce to break up with Mary, even though they weren't yet married!

Essential characteristic #2 : Betrothal is AS PROTECTED AS MARRIAGE. Note in the Deuteronomy passage that if a betrothed woman has sex with some other guy, that is deemed adultery, punishable by death.

Essential characteristic #3 : Betrothal is a committed relationship where a guy & a girl are definitely going to marry (DV) but have not yet actually married. Traditionally the fella uses this time to prepare financially to begin their new life living together. And that is a wise (but non-essential) tradition.

Essential characteristic #4 : Betrothal becomes marriage at the point that the relationship is consumated. (Re-read the Deuteronomy passage, and note what is conspicuously absent.)

In short then, we can define betrothal as "an unconsummated marriage" or as "an engagement that is as binding as marriage itself". (The latter is slightly technically inaccurate, but doesn't use the big long word "consummated" that might trip some people up.)

So the first question some of you young impatient hormone-pumping lacking-self-control-which-is-a-fruit-of-the-Spirit people are going to ask me is "if betrothal becomes marriage at the point you have sex, then why don't you just rush out and have sex? After all, you're saying it's morally legit for you to do so." Aha. You got the morally legit point correctly. But you obviously have no comprehension of times and seasons. Read Ecclesiastes. There is a time and a season for everything. And betrothal is a time and a season of enjoying getting to know each other even better, before there is a full physical union.

So Katie & I, in timeless betrothal style, are waiting whilst I "prepare a house", and our marriage will be joyously consummated in due time. We are waiting and will wait for our official wedding day.

So boys and girls, there endeth Betrothal 101. We hope you enjoyed the lesson. :o)

P.S. The verses once again : Matthew 1:18-20 and Deuteronomy 22:22-29.

P.P.S. Note that engagement and betrothal are mutually exclusive. By definition, an engagement can be broken without notice, without warning, and without penalty. In contrast, by definition, a betrothal is as binding as marriage. Thus, whilst Katie & I loosely refer to ourselves at times as "engaged", we are actually technically not engaged, but betrothed, and only betrothed.

P.P.P.S. Consequently, if an engaged couple decide "Oh well - we're engaged - we can have sex any time we want anyway", they actually Scripturally fall not under the liberties of a betrothed couple, but under the penalties of two single people who engage in sexual intercourse outside of wedlock. I cannot state it strongly enough - do not use anything I have said here as an excuse for your impatience or lack of self-control before marriage! You are sinning if you, as an engaged couple, engage in sexual intercourse before the wedding. And let me state it one more time - as a betrothed couple, the moral equation is different, but wisdom still demands respect for timing. God has designed that there is a process - a sequence - that a couple will generally have a period of permanent commitment yet unconsummated. This is a good and glorious thing. Learn to enjoy God's timing, instead of spoiling the picture the Master Artist has designed.